I’ve struggled with my choices in this life for nearly 10 years. Did I make the right choice in school? In my career? Does it even matter? After struggling for so long, the answer isn’t what I expected. I was put on this earth to live this life. Things happen for a reason and I was giving this baby boy when I did for a reason.
I spent part of my morning yesterday in tears because I saw a video time-lapse of a child growing up. I don’t know why it triggered immediate hysterical crying – but it did. I’ve been an emotional wreck the last week because my baby is turning one tomorrow. My only resolution for 2018 was to be a good mom, did I do that? I think that’s where my emotional self struggles the most, knowing that some days I didn’t give it my all as his mom because I was so exhausted, sad or preoccupied.
It’s hard every single day. I have never been more exhausted in my life. Sometimes I miss the days where it didn’t take 4 days to watch a single movie. My life would have been a whole lot different but I think I would have been, too. I have surprised myself with the amount of love I have to give and the amount that people can pour out. I have loved many other people, more than I love myself, but this is very different.
I see pieces of myself in this baby boy. I want to see every single milestone, make memories, love more, have patience, teach, be an example and give this boy the best life I can. The rest of the world melts away when he holds onto my hand, reached out or smiles for absolutely no reason. I’m lucky. For the first time in a very long time, I’m grateful for my choices because this path led me straight to here.
Now, where is here? Sometimes I’m not quite sure who I am anymore, the things that I used to love have been put on hold for other things. I used to practise yoga 3 times a week, hit the gym twice a week and fit in the occasional date. This year, for the first time in many, my resolution doesn’t include getting back into shape. I do want to continue to make healthy choices and be active, but this year I don’t care if I have a muffin top or a couple extra pounds than I want.
This year I want to focus on my family, plain and simple. My resolutions have always been these crazy goals – like 12 months, 12 new adventures. I loved that resolution and I will likely still do something similar in 2019 but if it doesn’t happen because life gets in the way, I’ll be ok with that. I want to make more good memories that I can hang on to when my little boy isn’t so little anymore.
There are so many memories I wish I could relive every single day. Ollie amazes me and keeps growing closer to a toddler sized human. It’s the most amazing feeling to watch the joy spread across his entire face when we play with him. I wish that he could always feel like we were his entire world. It’s a bittersweet moment when you realize that time moves faster the more you try to slow it down.
I hope one day, when he’s old enough, my baby boy can read some of the stories I wrote and smile because they were written about him, in the moment. I’ve thought a lot about the parent I want to be, the things that are important and the way I can give him the best childhood. It’s not about what you have, not about your clothes or toys. It’s about the little things. There will be bad days but I hope that when he’s older, the bad melts away because of all the good memories.
To my son:
I promise to always say I love you.
I promise that we will never go to bed angry at each other.
I promise to be supportive of all your decisions, even if I don’t agree with them.
I promise to let you be independent, even if it breaks my heart that you’re growing up so fast.
I promise to let you make your own mistakes, even if I think I know better.
I promise to teach you to respect people and make sure you know how to stand up for yourself.
I promise to be your biggest supporter and share in your dreams, whatever they are.
I promise that you can always come to me with your problems and that you will always have someone who listens.